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You’re More

Powerful

Than You Think

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It makes my clients CRAZY when I tell them they don’t actually have to do any of the things they tell me they have to do.  Yes I do!  they argue.  I HAVE to go to work, take care of my aunt, pay my bills, etc etc etc.

But that’s not really true.

They choose to do those things because they want to. Or at least they like the consequences of NOT doing them even less.

You can stop going to work any time you want.  Nobody is going to come to your house and MAKE you go. Each time you put on your big girl scanties and go to work, you’re exercising free will and good fashion sense. Also, you don’t actually HAVE to take care of your sweet elderly aunt.  You could coldheartedly turn her out on the street.  Really.  People do that.  You don’t HAVE to pay your bills; you have a choice, each month.  You could choose to NOT pay them and get your power turned off.

You are making choices all the time.  But most people don’t realize it.

One of the most ubiquitous phrases in the English language is “have to.”  We say it ALL the time: to ourselves, our partners, our colleagues, our friends, and our kids.

And that tiny little phrase will suck your juice, deflate your joy, and sabotage your autonomy.

Saying ‘I have to’ puts you in victim mode.  Listen for it and you will be AMAZED at how often people use that phrase…and what a nasty piece of work it is.

• I have to go to work.
• You have to do your homework.
• Writers have to shmooze, it’s part of that world.
• Managers have to work late.
• I have to take this call, it’s my boss.
• You have to eat your vegetables.
• I have to go to the family reunion, it’s tradition.

Weirdly, we even say it about things that are kind of delightful:

• I have to meet my friend for coffee.
• I have to get my nails done.
• I have to pack for our vacation.
• I have to work on my website.
• I have to pick up my kids, check email, get some new shoes.

 

Eliminating the phrase ‘I have to’ is the fastest way to get your power back.

Try replacing ‘have to’ with ‘going to,’ ‘want to,’ or ‘choose to.’  I know it might seem like I’m arguing semantics here, but as a coach and mentor to successful women, I get an intimate glimpse into a lot of very smart people’s minds and I can tell you that the words we use to shape our experience are POWERFUL.

When you break through the illusion that you’re at the mercy of your life, you immediately start declaring dominion over it.

 

Change your language, change your life.

This subtle shift in language puts you in the driver’s seat of your life. It helps you step up like a badass and take responsibility for your choices, which is very good news… because the truth is, you get to choose whatever the hell you want.

Not convinced?

Think of something you don’t much like to do.  Try telling yourself you have to do it.  Notice how your body responds:

• I have to stay in this job; I’m trapped.
• I have to wrangle the board of directors.
• I have to change diapers all day long.
• I have to put in thankless grunt work.
• I have to pay so much in taxes.

UGH.  Doesn’t your body feel heavy, sludgy, and resistant?  Don’t you want to go drink a gravel margarita right now?

Try this instead.  Say ‘I’m choosing to’ and add the reason why.

• I’m going to stay in this job because it keeps a roof over my head.  And roofs are fantastic.
• I am going to wrangle the board of directors like an epic fucking badass because goddammit I’m right! And I am diplomatic and savvy enough to get them to see it my way.
• I’m going to change diapers all day long because I love my baby with a love that is wild and fierce.
• I am going to put in the grunt work because this is something that’s just fucking worth it to me.
• I’m going to pay my taxes because I don’t want to go to jail.

 

The truth is, you’re free.  You’re free to work hard or slack off. To set boundaries or cave. To hope or to ask for what you want.  To abandon your children or take tender care of them.  To feel resentful, or tell the truth and make a plan.

You are so much more powerful than you might think.

Start shifting your language to reflect the authority you actually have over your life and watch that reality soak all the way down into your mind, heart, and body. When you really believe you’re in charge of your own life and choices, you stand taller. You communicate more clearly. You have an indefinable charisma. People watch you to see what you’re going to do. They start to think of you as an epic fucking badass. Because that is what you are.

You kindred spirits who crave more depth…want to take it further?

Compare these two very different women:

One had a frightening childhood that compromised her ability to make good decisions and left her painfully shy and withdrawn. She drifted from one job and failed relationship to the next, never quite living up to her potential or feeling like she belonged. She felt brittle and fragile and attracted broken people and icky drama. At a critical juncture in her life, she endured a series of unfair bureaucratic snafus that turned her life upside down and cost her all her money. She became a mother before she thought she ready and weathered 18 months of sleepless nights and intense postpartum fog. To this day she has no financial support other than her wits. Psychologists have told her that her genetic inheritance and emotional predisposition make her vulnerable to sinking back into a deep clinical depression at any time, and some days she simply feels too sensitive to live.

The other had a series of magical childhood adventures that were like something out of a Harry Potter book. As a young adult she threw off conventional obligations to go live as a beatnik and artist, and stepped as though charmed from one amazing opportunity to the next. She worked as an actress and a writer, went to glamorous parties, and drank gallons of free champagne. Even though she consistently chooses joy and adventure over financial stability, she lives in a lovely apartment in her favorite city, wears great shoes, and raises a beautiful and beloved daughter with lots of laughter. Now she runs a successful business helping other women triumph over their difficulties and embrace their delicious lives…and even though she adores her career, she still gets to pick up her daughter at 2pm every day.

You guessed it: these women are both ME. Either one of these paragraphs is a factually true summary of my life. Yet clearly they lay down radically different versions of my identity…and very different paths for me to follow.

Gee, am I a fragile victim today, or am I a bad-ass superhero?

I get to choose.

Any story you tell, any narrative you craft of your life, is somewhat arbitrary. The most negative interpretation of things is no more accurate than the most positive spin. We live in our own stories; psychology and neuroscience agree that as humans we live in a near-constant state of interpretation and meaning-making. We don’t control the things that happen to us, but the story we tell about it—whether we choose to become the victim or the hero—is up to us.

And the story we choose determines the trajectory of everything that happens next.

In my experience, it is just WAY MORE FUN to be the hero. And believe me, I have spent plenty of time feeling victimized, badly done by, and defeated.

Notice here that I am not talking about pretending that things are peachy when they are not. I am not talking about ‘grin and bear it’ or ‘put on a happy face’ or repeating, ‘I manifest only the abundant goodness of the universe goddammit,’ through clenched teeth.

When something hurts us and we feel it, it’s what ACT therapists call ‘clean pain.’ Clean pain simply needs to be witnessed. The very act of feeling it causes it to heal in its own time. Dr. Martha Beck says that clean pain may be excruciating, but it has a purity to it that is almost sweet.

‘Dirty pain’ happens when we layer a shitty, shaming, paralyzing story over that clean pain. For example, when a piece of my writing is rejected by a magazine, I feel deeply disappointed. That sadness is clean pain. It hurts, but it is a wound that will heal cleanly on its own. But when I compound the rejection with an icky story about my writing (“I suck, I should never have tried to do this, I’m embarrassing myself, I’ll never get published”) then it’s like I infect the wound. Those thoughts are infinitely more painful than the original feeling, and they stop me in my tracks, neither allowing me to grieve nor move forward into action.

Learning to observe your thoughts instead of always believing them, and then gently inquiring into whether or not they are true or useful, is one of the most powerful ways I know to shift your life. This thought work and the resulting energy shift is the heart of the deep transformation that happens when I’m coaching women one-on-one. My clients roll their eyes at how often I ask, “What story are you telling? Is it true?!”

If you watch your thoughts scroll across your mind like the ticker tape of text that scrolls across the bottom of your TV news broadcast, you may notice that there are some pretty nasty nuggets tucked in there. Most of us say things to ourselves—cruel, discouraging, belittling things—that we would never say out loud to anyone we cared about. Just start watching. And treat those thoughts with the same skepticism with which I hope you treat the nightly news. Any thought whose fundamental message is ‘You suck!’ or, ‘Be very afraid!’ is not doing you much good.

When you shift your story, you shift your life. And if you don’t shift your story, you can change every external thing about your life and still end up re-creating the exact same situations and dramas as before. (Ever notice how some people keep ending up in the same relationship with different people? Or always work for the same asshole boss no matter what company they’re at? Or always have the same annoying neighbors in different states? They changed the scenery, but they took their story with them.)

I challenge you to become the hero of your own life story.

• Write your own hero vs. victim story in a single paragraph, the way I did above. Start with the victim version and make it really whiny and self-righteous (but set a timer for ten minutes and stop writing whether you feel done or not). Then, think about the way your most loyal, loving friend would tell your story and write the heroic, kickass version and use plenty of exclamation marks and profanity.
• Once you’ve written your hero story, burn the victim version. Dance around its cold, dead ashes.
• Want more support? I’ve got a library of free blog posts here and I’ll be in your inbox every Friday morning.

In the meantime, let’s connect in the ether—

It’s YOUR life.  Let’s make it gorgeous.

Much love,

Anna

 

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