The big goosebump epiphany for me was during Dr. Lissa Rankin’s talk.  

I told this story to the women in the Queen Sweep Master Class yesterday, and I share it with you because there is a big fat juicy kernel of liberation in it.

For the longest time, I was convinced that everything I wanted was wrong.

This led me to make some very odd choices after college.

You see, I was so sure that I couldn’t have what I really wanted that I chose something kind of stupid instead.

In my head, it went like this: I mean, obviously everyone WANTS….

to be rich and glamorous
a gracious, elegant home
to get to be an actor
to end sexual violence worldwide
an incredibly chic wardrobe
to have a baby
to help heal people’s suffering
diamonds
to be a bestselling author
an epic, cosmic love story
to ride horses
masses of peonies on their table

Right?!?!!??

EVERYONE wants those things.

It’s just that you don’t always get to have what you want.  

CLEARLY.  So you have to stop wanting ridiculous things, and be happy with more reasonable things like a job as an invisible peon making copies and getting coffee.

(Everyone seemed to be dealing with this better than me.)

This illusion held me in its tight grip of hopeless despairing futility for many years.  Then a friend broke the spell by laughing out loud at me.  I mean she cackled at me and mocked me without mercy.

“Dude.  No WAY would I want to be famous.  No thank you.  And I don’t want a big old creepy house– I want a nice cozy one close to a Target.  And I don’t like horses, I prefer dogs. Also?  Writing a book sounds like total torture, and I don’t want a baby, I want to travel to Indonesia.”

I squinted at her. I was trying to figure out her angle.

Only she didn’t have one.

Slowly, the enormous revelation dawned.  It was as HUGE as that time when Kate Moss wore skinny jeans for the first time and singlehandedly destroyed the bootcut.

OHMYGOD.

Wait… most people don’t want to be actors???  They don’t want to be famous?  They want to live in the suburbs and go to soccer practices???  They actually LIKE to watch basketball???

Most people– this part really blew my mind– don’t desperately want to write books?!?!?!?  I mean, what do they even WANT, then???  (To be honest, I still don’t fully understand this as a concept.  Books are the holy grail for me.)

I always figured everyone else wanted the same things I did– they had just resigned themselves to the grown-up reality that not everybody could have them.

But if everyone wants different things…. then OH HOLY SHIT. 

Because if I want those things… they are my responsibility.

They are mine to want.  I might not get all of them, but they are my longings.  My compass. My responsibility.  My spiritual DNA.  And at 22, that meant I had some course correcting to do.

Fast forward sixteen years. My favorite talk at World Domination Summit was by Dr. Lissa Rankin.  Not surprising perhaps, since she spent a good portion of her talk sharing some beautiful concepts from Joseph Campbell and from my mentor, Dr. Martha Beck. But the real reason that Lissa stole my heart was because of her masterful storytelling and her excellent footwear.She asked the audience to stand up if they believed that the world is one and we are all intrinsically connected.  Just about everyone stood up.  She asked how many of us knew that by the time we were 20.  Scads of people stayed standing.  What about when we were 15?  10?  5?  How many of us had known it deep in our bones from the time that we were little tiny kids?  A huge portion of the audience was still on their feet.

She laughed with delight.  “That’s because you guys are the healers of the world,” she said. “It’s not surprising because that’s exactly who would come to a conference like this!”

Apparently, Lissa once asked the same question in a room full of Harvard law students.

Aaaaand….not a single hand went up.

Awkward silence.

But then a wise soul whispered to her, “Try ‘justice.'”

So she tried again.  “How many of you have known almost as long as you can remember that the world needs more justice?”

Every hand was in the air.

Boom.

Imagine asking a roomful of accountants if the world needs more order.

Ask engineers if the world needs more structure.

Ask artists if the world needs more beauty.

Ask midwives if the world needs better births.

Ohhhh.  Oh!!!  OH BOY.

I sat there with my mouth almost hanging open.  It was the most freeing, liberating, delightful thing I’d ever heard. 

Even though I’ve come a long way from that lost 22-year-old, sometimes I still worry that I’m not doing enough with my life.  I should be doing something more important, something BIG.

And with that one story, Dr. Lissa handed me the key to my own freedom.

I don’t have to go be a lawyer, or a midwife, or a politician, or any of the other things I sometimes think I ought to do.

Because someone else wants those things DOWN IN THEIR BONES.  They actually YEARN for them.

…But me?  What do I want down in my bones?

Let me whisper it to you, because it’s my most secret yearning.

I want to be a writer.  And I want to help people be whole.  

So– guys.  I think that’s probably what I should do.  Seems kind of obvious in retrospect, doesn’t it?

So tell me.  What about you, dearheart?  What do YOU want? 

much love, 
Anna

P.S.  If you don’t know the big thing, start with the little nudges.  Do you long for a fast car? A fabulous closet?  A beach vacation?  Those things aren’t frivolous– they are trying to get your attention, and if you will follow your nose they will lead you surprising places.  More on this topic here.