Here is my absolute most practical guide to the holidays EVER. This is all you need to be PERFECT. Martha Stewart is going to CRY.
1. Okay! Something to do with an elf! Um….I have no idea. Okay next!
2. Ooh! I know this one! You should probably buy some things and put paper on them! Oh oh oh, Anthropologie is my own personal go-to.
3. Okay but ouch get ready for a lot of credit card debt. See Anthropologie, above.
4. Also, get used to that wide-eyed manic look in the mirror. Reference Exhibit A, top right. All is caaaaaalm, all is a little too briiiiight….
5. Whatever. #5 for the WIN. Most importantly….
PLEASE!!!! CUT YOURSELF A FUCKING BREAK.
AND!!!!! GIVE YOURSELF SOME GODDAMN SLACK.
And if that fails, MAKE LIKE A TREE AND GET OUT OF HERE.
Here is the thing.
All of my favorite people are a little ridiculous now and then.
So let’s tread lightly with ourselves, okay?
We try so hard to be reasonable. To get all our shopping done in October, order the holiday cards in November, and do yoga and volunteer at homeless shelters all of December.
Cause then we will be like namaste, motherfuckers.
Instead, we find ourselves….
- beating the christmas tree with our bare hands and weeping because it LEANS
- shopping for gold wrapping paper and spray-painting shit silver at midnight
- paying for extra shipping on everything because we need it overnighted to Iceland
- whipping goddamn EGGWHITES to make FROSTING to put together a HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD GINGERBREAD HOUSE
- yelling at our children because we are just trying to have a MOMENT of fucking SILENCE and feel some holy FEELINGS okay
So here is the deal, darlings.
Let’s make an effort to take care of our sweet, sweet selves.
Let’s not do shit we absolutely hate. (For real. No….for REAL. Just say no.)
Pick a few things that you LOVE and do the hell out of them.
Do them with bells on.
I personally will be watching Love Actually, crying with joy at the little boy playing drums, channeling Emma Thompson channeling Joni Mitchell IN MY SOUL, singing along loudly to that horrible song, and eating All The Chocolates. It’s a very sacred spiritual ritual.
So when you find yourself being a little bit ridiculous?
Know that I love you just a little bit more for it.
Ring the bells that ring, darling.
Light the lights. Light them up.
Laugh at yourself, your beautiful hilarious human wonderful self.
You don’t have to do it perfectly.
You don’t have to be enlightened.
You don’t have to hit that magical sweet spot where you’re totally not invested in the materialistic bullshit you’ve risen above it yet between volunteering and protesting and meditating you’ve found the perfect eco-friendly fair-trade quirky personal presents and also made gluten-free cookies for all the homeless people in your city.
No. Please, we can’t take the pressure.
Just be your messy human self.
It will be enough.
We like you best anyway.
Way more than some elf.
(What is it with the elf??? Please remember: I DO NOT want to know.)*
*NOW I KNOW; we even have a Murray who comes to our house.