I stepped outside my comfort zone last weekend:

literally.  I camped.

Ok, it was camping for wusses.  Not even tent camping.

But to quote Carrie Bradshaw, “I’m what you call a bona fide city gal.”

This required sleeping bags and rainboots for the mud and climbing a hill in the rain to go to the bathroom and…

We had a BALL.  It helped that crazy costumes were non-optional.  (Marilyn Monroe is a feminist icon, right?  RIGHT?)

If you haven’t done something a little bit crazy yet this spring, then dearheart, pencil something in.

I was talking to one of my clients*  this week about generosity, and I found myself asking her,

“Is that really being generous?  Or is that just having squishy boundaries?”

(You know what they say about us life coaches– we can spot it ’cause we got it.)

I recognize squishiness in a hot minute because it was how I lived and breathed for so many years.

Squishiness is highly approved in our culture, especially for women.  People will tell you you’re SO nice.  SO kind.  SO generous.  SO amazing.

Those compliments feel pretty good, but if you ever find yourself swallowing them with a chaser of resentment, keep reading.

Resentment is the big fat red flag that’s telling you to stop.  

 

• Stop saying yes when you mean no. 
• Stop going along with the plan you know is flawed. 
• Stop picking up the slack because no one else will. 
• Stop cooking for people who complain about what you make. 
• Stop doing your colleagues’ work for them.  
• Stop watching other people’s kids ‘just for a sec’ that turns into hours.   
• Stop going to Sunday dinner just because it’s tradition. 
• Stop loaning money to the friend who never remembers to pay it back. 

 

These aren’t generous acts.  

That’s not truly giving; it’s letting others erode you. 

Not the same thing. 

It’s crucial to understand this distinction, because true generosity fills you up and makes you feel grateful, lucky, and rrrrrich.  Squishiness makes you feel drained, exhausted, and quietly bitter.

It might seem counter-intuitive, but the first step to take if you want to truly be Lady Bountiful is to set some really strong boundaries.  (I taught a free class on this.)

If you don’t know how to say No, then saying Yes isn’t really kind or loving.  

But when you can say No Thank You, Aw Hell No, and That Won’t Work firmly, kindly, and without drama, then your Yes becomes an amazing, powerful, potent gift.

Try practicing this in small ways first, before you tackle something really hard like your boss or your toddler:

• Say no to the panhandler without guilt.
• Stay silent when they ask for a volunteer.
• Smile and shake your head.
• Suggest a new way of delegating things.
• Hit reply and write “Thanks, but no thanks!” 

These small acts of boundary-setting may require enormous acts of courage if you aren’t used to it, so be gentle with yourself.  But after you’ve practiced saying no a few times, try saying yes when you feel truly moved: 

• Give $50 to the young hitchhiker, even though you don’t do that.
• Take on the ridiculous, blissful, demanding project.
• Offer to do that extra out-of-the-way and 0ver-the-top thing, just because you can.
• Give a gift that bursts with joy & humor & extravagance. 
• Share what you have plenty of, whether tangible or intangible.  

Not only will you be truly giving to someone (not just enabling someone to grow dependent on you), you’ll actually end up feeling rrrrricher than you did before you gave something away.

This is how you spread your light in the most loving, clean way.  And you have light to spread, dearheart.

And yes, it is STILL peony season.  Swoon….