“Why is this such a big deal for me?  This shouldn’t be so hard!  It’s just family!  I mean, I love them, I really do.  I don’t know why I have such a hard time with this.   I just need to get over it.”

Her frustration zinged through the phone lines.  Not frustration with her mother-in-law, mind you– frustration with herself.

She firmly believed that this small chore SHOULD NOT be difficult for her; visits with beloved members should be fun!  and rejuvenating!  go Bravermans!

But month after month, she’d return from a supposedly jolly weekend feeling exhausted, drained, and about as lively as a dirty sock.

I’m pretty sure Mindy hired me to give her a little pep talk about how It Won’t Be So Bad and You Can Totally Do This and A Positive Attitude Can Help!

Instead, I nudged and prodded her into saying a sentence that horrified her:

“This is really hard for me.”

I could practically feel her blushing the Daughter-in-Law-Blush-of-Shame.

But after a second of appalled mortification, she drew a deep breath of relief.

“Oh my god.  It is.  It really just IS hard for me.  It is!!!”  She started laughing, a slightly manic cackle of glee.

If you’ve ventured into the personal development field, you probably want to take away my life coaching certification right now, because life coaches are always talking about taking responsibility for your own experience and creating the feelings that you want.

But here is the crucial bit that a lot of people miss:
The most powerful thing is the TRUTH.
Fake affirmations are the WORST.  They are just guilt and manipulation in disguise.  They’re just one more way to make yourself wrong for being who you are and feeling what you feel.

Here is what usually happens when we admit the truth of what we’re feeling:

it shifts. 

Once Mindy admitted to herself, with no self-blame or apology, that this particular experience was always hard for her, she felt instant relief.

BECAUSE SHE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.

Dr. Martha Beck writes in Finding Your Own North Star that nothing feels as good to the soul as the truth, even if it’s a hard truth.  I agree, and I would add that when you get to the truth, you also open up room for the next step.

As long as Mindy was beating herself up because something SHOULDN’T be so hard for her, she was stuck.  She kept having the same painful experience again and again because she kept trying to convince herself that it shouldn’t be painful in the first place!

But as soon as she spoke the blunt truth, and we both cackled for a minute, another thought bubbled up out of her:

“Gee, if this is so hard, maybe I should get some help, give myself some support.”

Then we brainstormed some really easy ways she could line up support for herself on her next trip:  plan a solitary walk, stay in a hotel instead of with the whole clan, call a friend, take a nap, stay for fewer days, play dysfunctional family bingo.  Not exactly rocket science.

The options were multitudinous, and some of them were easy to implement.

But until she let herself speak the truth, those simple solutions were totally unavailable to her.  

Here are some other shifts I’ve heard:

• I’m so sad about this.   ~my client and I sat quietly with the truth of her statement.  And then she continued:  

             …You know, I can do sad.  I can honor sadness.

• I need more money this month.    

            …all right, it’s time to kick Plan B into gear.

• I’m so, so tired.    

            ….oh, so the most productive thing I can do today is rest.

• I’m really scared.    

             …but that’s ok, because I know how to be brave even when I’m scared.

• I don’t really trust this person.    

            …I’m going to set some boundaries.

• I’m jealous.     

            ….if I’m honest, I really want to create that for myself.

Notice that these are not fake cheery statements plastered over the discomfort; these are organic solutions that bubbled up in response to truth.  Your own awkward, sometimes uncomfortable truths can open up the way for your own benevolent wisdom to come rushing in.  They are the swiftest, cleanest way through.

Now, one big caveat is in order here:

If you sit in what feels like the truth for hours and days and weeks and the truth feels awful and painful?  Then something is awry, and I highly recommend you hire a coach (Martha Beck coaches are the bomb) to help you clean out whatever is gunking up the works.

But try sitting with the truth of an emotion that makes you a little uncomfortable.  And then listen for what comes in next.

That little whisper is your way forward.