I have the words “tell me your secrets” tattooed on my forehead.
Now that I’m an old jaded heathen mystic, people still tell me their secrets.
I spend my days talking to people about the most intense, wonderful, and terrible parts of their lives, and when we’re done talking they almost always feel better.
This is commonly known as life coaching.
My clients report profanity but also a strange kind of magic. However!
I don’t believe in affirmations, the law of attraction, or manifesting.
In fact, here’s a secret: I find most of the self-help world unbearably shallow and stupid.
I do believe in magic though– deep magic.
Your capacity for transformation.
The fierce wisdom of your body.
The accuracy of your spidey senses.
Your ability to heal.
A few things about me you should know:
I love my high heels.
My favorite champagne is Veuve Clicquot.
I cry at diaper commercials.
I like to swear a LOT. It’s basically my religion. Swearing, and flowers. Oh and motherhood. And the ocean. And beautiful shoes. And a clean house. And flowers on my table and book club and orgasms and budgets and and and— well. It’s sort of a Renaissance religion.
I secretly want to dance naked under the moon with wolves, but the opportunity has yet to present itself.
I am the world’s worst cook. I’m a bit of a food snob but I hate the part where you’re supposed to actually MAKE it with your BARE HANDS. And then you have to just DO IT AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. So Sisyphean. I have done horrible, unspeakable things to a perfectly good head of broccoli, so if I ask you over for dinner, make sure we’re having frozen pizza. And then stand there and make sure I don’t burn it.
I remember my past lives. Lots of them. But I will still TOTALLY mock you for carrying around crystals.
I am queer. I am wildly in love with my amazing husband, who used to be a woman. If that makes you queasy, I’m not the coach for you, dearheart.
Together we have five kids, a dog, two snakes, and a minivan. Life is over-the-top chaotic sometimes, but it’s also full of joy and hilarity.
Before I trained with Dr. Martha Beck as a master life coach, I was a voice-over artist in Tokyo. I moonlighted as a branding consultant on the side. After the 2011 earthquake, I picked up a suitcase and my daughter and moved to Portland on the double.
I detest all forms of exercise. I think reading should count. If you want to bore me to rage, please bring up sports.
I was an English major, and I know all the grammar rules…I just choose to ignore them.
I was exceedingly unhappy for a really long time. I came close to ending my life in my twenties. But I’ve been really fucking full of joy for nearly a decade now, and I don’t take this lightly. I feel like I have a sacred obligation to help other people who are having a hard time find their way to joy too. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do, except maybe write books. (I’m working on a memoir about my childhood growing up in Japan and how I went from being an evangelical missionary kid to being a foul-mouthed heathen mystic.)
I am an ADD INFP Quick-Start Fact-Finder right-brain dreamer. I walk into rooms and can’t remember why I’m there. I like to start things but finishing them is much harder. When I was a consultant, I would forget every statistic and bit of client data but I could read the room and decipher the subtext like a motherfucker.
I will probably forget your boss’s name and the ages of your kids.
But I’ll never forget your story.
And your secrets are safe with me.