This is a true account of a one-hour period in my life in which I DID NOT have my shit together. I present it that you may compare yourself to me and feel smug about how healthy, enlightened, and perfect you are. You’re welcome.
4:02 I traipse upstairs to write an inspiring, uplifting missive for my beloved tribe of readers. (Side note: Am winning SO HARD because I’m writing it the night before instead of the morning it goes out!! I feel modestly smug about my amazingness.)
4:04 No ideas yet. That’s ok, I’ll make myself cucumber water.
4:09 Drink cucumber water and stare at screen.
4:16 Title post “Seven Comforting Things.”
4:23 Cannot think of seven comforting things.
4:37 Panic because see above.
4:39 More panic.
4:44 SO MUCH ALL THE PANIC.
4:45 Realize that most of my writing hour is gone and I have not written a post and clearly it’s over, my brief stint as an imposter writer is finished, that’s it, and I should quit being a life coach because how can I help other women when I can’t even find seven things that make me feel good to write about????
4:47 Briefly look at Instagram for inspiration.
4:49 Collapse in heap of despair at all the perfect women out there doing perfect things in their perfect businesses getting perfect book deals and having 100K perfect followers all with perfectly styled white marble counters.
4:53 Weep LOUDLY at my husband because of all the ways I’m failing and flailing and inform him that we’re going to be destitute in our old age and my country is being run by sociopaths and maybe I’M a sociopath but I just don’t know it yet and I’m probably ruining our children by modeling to them being lazy because I am, that’s my big dark secret, I’m LAZY.
4:54 He looks at me like I’m a crazy person.
4:55 I feel marginally better after my weep and my rant. I chew on a cucumber.
4:56 I rub a cucumber gently over my face and it feels amazing!! Have discovered new miracle anti-aging remedy!! Called cucumbers!!
4:57 He says, “You are SO weird. That’s gross.”
4:58 I feel quite cheered up by my cucumbers and by his horrified face. “Maybe your people are sick of hearing about perfect people doing perfect things too,” he says. “Maybe you should just tell them how fucked up it gets in your own head sometimes.” He’s so brilliant, this man.
4:59 “Ok but also, what are you going to do with those cucumber slices?” he says.
5:00 I get up and write this all down.
Screw perfect people.
Let’s be gorgeously imperfect together.
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