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Nothing’s worse than a bad Valentine’s Day.  The cheap heart-shaped chocolates, the red polyester negligee…and the eager expectation of what’s going to happen next.  We’ve all been there.  

So if you’re single, breathe a sigh of relief with me.  It’s so fantastic to be single on Valentine’s Day! 

Right?  Riiiight???

I hear a lot of silent blinking.  Let’s back up, because if you’re single you’re used to wading through an unbelievable amount of psychobabble bullshit. 

On the one hand, we’re all regaled with stories of how the perfect mate will drop out of the sky ‘as soon as you stop looking for it and you’re fine on your own.’  On the other hand, we’re told to make room in our lives for someone else; to leave room in our bed, to dress like we could meet our soulmate at any moment, and to stay ‘open.’  In other words: damned if you do, damned if you don’t. 

This is irritating to be sure, but I’ll take this conundrum any day over some of the disastrous Valentine’s Days I’ve lived through.  Let’s see, there was the episode of the grocery store roses still in the plastic wrapping; the romantic dinner I cooked…then cleaned up by myself; and the drugstore necklace with the price tag still on it.  (Note: no exes were harmed in the making of this article.  Naturally, those are purely hypothetical examples.)

I’m single now: exceedingly, gloriously single.  I’m a single parent, I’m not interested in dating, and there hasn’t been any romantic or sexual love in my life for many years.  I am well and truly safe from the scourge of the scratchy skanky lingerie.

This piece was originally published in The Huffington Post.  To read the rest and find out how to make yourself swoon, single or not, click here!  Sneak peek: I’m hands-down the best lover I’ve ever had.